I sat on her bed for a moment this morning after she zoomed down the street in her little red Fiat, ACDC blaring from the speakers while Crime and Punishment rattled around in her head.
“I don’t want to read crazy people’s thoughts,” she complained to me last night.
“Ah, but…Dostoyevsky…” I replied.
She shook her head and returned to her book.
“You may hate it right now,” I thought, “but you will never forget it.”
Sitting on her bed in the silence this morning, I looked around, just drinking her in because mothering her has been beautiful and deep, a soulful journey, the kind of love story Dostoyevsky only wished he could write…and I never want to forget a moment.
Just above her pillow is a poster of a black and white photo of Paris…a gift from me.
She went to Europe this summer and, of course, fell in love with France. When she called me from Paris, the connection was bad but I could still hear in her voice the truth- part of her heart had slipped away, hidden in the cafes, and museums, the pastry shoppes, and the lavender fields.
We said goodbye and I sighed, whispering aloud to myself, “She will go back, and next time it will be much longer than two weeks.”
Oh, the irony of my mothering. I go to such great lengths to instill dreams of adventure in my children only to see them come true at the expense of my own broken heart.
And here we are already- no longer counting the time she lives under my roof in decades and years, but months, tracking their swift slip through my fingers in college applications, and items on a graduation checklist.
She is leaving, this one who is heart of my heart, and I will never be the same.
“Don’t cry, Mom,” she says to me, “I will come back for you. I am going to take you on adventures!”
Ah…a seed well sown.
You have blessed me today my dear friend. I beg time to slow down so I can appreciate each moment with no avail! I love your words and how purposeful you are in being still with your sweet children.
Hugs, m
My thoughts and emotions so often felt, but never spoken or written so beautifully. You capture the essence of so many of the deep truths of my life and enrich them with depth and emotion that only you can do. You are a gifted treasure to so many.
Thanks for this lovely post; have shared w/a friend or two. God bless. Susan